By: lifestor | Nov. 9, 2020, 9:06 a.m.
Before, all I ever wanted was to be better than you and when I could not, I thought to myself that you were the person I deserved because you were stronger smarter and more intelligent. I tried the first time and you said no. Of course, it was a no because your mind wasn’t there. I bet you asked yourself why I tried it because we didn’t know each other that well. The truth is at that time I was always on top and if I wasn’t, I made sure that somehow, I would make it on top but with you that was a challenge and so I left and forgot about you. Truth is, it took a very short time and I was glad and I knew I felt I dodged a bullet because I like what came after you.
I stopped reaching out but then you started reaching out, before you never did but now that you reached out, I didn’t want anything to do with you. Not even as a friend, but somehow you were always the first person I would share great news with. At this time, I didn’t know what you were going through but I wish I did, you only told me about it a few months ago, I would have helped and if not, I would have learned from your experience and not gone through the same issue.
When you found out my problems you were there, even when I didn’t expect you to, even when I knew that just like everyone that had forsaken me you would too. I tried to push you away, I tried to stop you from caring but you didn’t let me. You said it was forever that you would stick out for me when I needed you. We became closer than I expected and soon I was singing my life’s stories to you, so it happened we had gone through a lot of similar issues. Right then and there my past started growing once more and I was convinced you were the one. When I smiled you noticed and asked why, you always complimented how I looked even when I didn’t feel I looked good enough. I thought different about our friendship because I barely got that kind of reception even from people, I had been friends with for ages.
My feelings had been dead for a long time but slowly they started growing. When I started paying attention to those feelings, I started getting angry at you or nervous around you. I was angry because I was jealous. Because you acted the same around every other person. Mine wasn’t a special case. You felt nothing and what you showed me was what you always did. I bet all those people would say the same thing as I am, some even approached me so I would get out of the way for them. Something that I would do in a heartbeat. Still you wouldn’t see it.
“sometimes I want to walk in your shoes, do the type of things that I never ever do, so I take a look in the mirror and I say to myself, you can’t survive like this.” True to these lyrics you created in me a green-eyed monster. I wish I knew what you were about early enough. I wish I never opened up to you the way I did and most importantly I wish I never felt a connection and that way it would be easier for me to forget about you. At some point I thought it was just you and me. For me it was but when I looked around it wasn’t the same for you and I got jealous all the more. I see your reaction to other people and I am jealous. I see other people’s reaction to you and I am even more jealous. I know I should not be because there’s nothing you promised that you didn’t do, yet I am still jealous.
“I wish you were me so you could feel this feeling” because I’m jealous.
Jealous by Beyonce - https://youtu.be/WQmYVfHrNxA
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