By: lifestor | Nov. 1, 2020, 3 p.m.
Today I hurt for the same reason I did yesterday and the day before that. The trend is always the same, another one bites the dust, but for some reason I never seem to get it. For some reason I end up in the same situation over and over again. Even with so many red flags. Am I too stubborn to accept my fate or is it that misery just loves my company? I tend to trust easily when I know I should not. I see only good when I know there’s also an ugly. I forget I am not a special case and everyone is trying to fight for what I am fighting for so I got no advantage, but oh no! silly me thinks the universe holds a special spot for me.
As much as I do end up in the same old place, slowly but surely, I learn a thing or two. Maybe I didn’t accept it immediately but sure today was better than yesterday. It hurt less and I realize I am growing a thick skin and an elastic heart. With my shred of hope I know tomorrow or the day after that, perhaps a year from now I will be tough enough not to fall victim of these things that I am too stubborn to let go. Maybe I will remember what it takes me to go through it and so I wouldn’t get myself into it again. My strength is gradually growing. I have become as elastic as a rubber band, only when you pull harder, I will snap.
Having been here before I should know that I cannot fight this war without weapons. Sadly, I always forget, get back to the misery over and over again, but I know soon, I will grow a thick skin and an elastic heart. The trend is always the same and the earlier I spot it the better for me to avoid another misery before it gets me. This time I should let another bite the dust without bringing me down with it.
Nothing ever goes my way; I have reluctantly accepted that and maybe it has been for the best. However, I want to accept the facts of life without a tear in my eye. I want to fully learn how to adjust to the universe’s preference for my life. I want to go to bed satisfied with my day and not haunted by my past, not thinking about what I should have done different, not thinking about how I acted or should have acted to get a call back or to be missed or needed, all I need is a thick skin and an elastic heart. Because I know it always happens and by now, I should be used to it and brush it off like it is nothing but I know sooner or later I will.
I shouldn’t let it affect me but it does. I want my life back. I want to be free as I was when I was just a kid. I worried less, maybe, but worry wasn’t part of my life. I barely had the what ifs. Maybe I am just scared of what I don’t know, but who knows anything anyway? Maybe I am overthinking, but I need to think of all the possible outcomes, that way I will be prepared for any kind of outcome, yet at the back of my mind I am certain of what’s to come. If only I was tougher, if only I had a thick skin and an elastic heart, then I would be free and happier. All I want to tell the universe is that I got a thick skin and an elastic heart and you won’t see me fall apart.
Elastic heart by Sia - https://youtu.be/KWZGAExj-es
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